They save me. Sure I go to work on my new jokes, but also because there is this profound joy that exuberate’s through my body when I am there. Whenever I feel lost and scared, I run to any open mic spot because the environment calms me down. Open mic’s help me remember why I love stand-up comedy so much. There’s no goal to impress. I have gone to open mic’s and just sat there because it feels great to surround myself with people that are opening their hearts and humbly making people laugh. THEY GET IT. They know how it feels… to be alone and understand that nothing around us can save us.
I am at a Corner Bakery in King Of Prussia, PA. Performing at 6 pm at Villanova University. It is currently 4:24 pm. I am feeling very excited and happy. Could it have been the wonderful exercise this morning? Yes! Could be! I ran for 40 minutes, did my ab work out, as well as lifted weights. I put on make up and felt awake and pretty from doing so. Normally, I don’t wear make up everyday, but today! Why not! I feel confident right now. Must remember this moment and day to go back to when I am in a moment of feeling insecure and low.
Anyway! Also! Had a good lunch. Chicken salad and tomato soup! Now just enjoying my coffee. Wrote my three pages in my artist way daily journal and now going to work on new jokes.
I think this week I got a boost of inspiration and what makes me so happy is that it didn’t come from any achievement or job. It simply came from my great friends and good quotes that made me think. I learned that my goals are long term and not right away goals. I learned that the journey is about expanding and constantly getting better at your craft. I have come a long way and should be quite proud. I am happy and excited that I am me and will keep following what my heart says as well as becoming more specific about what I want in life.
My Mom made a good point that I have to spice up life. I can’t keep doing the same schedule every day because it then becomes stagnant. I normally spend my days alone, exercising, writing, and doing shows. But I have to change my days or else I won’t remember my past. I must go hiking with a friend, which I did on Wednesday. I must go to the movies with family or friends. I have to force myself to keep busy but change things.
First of all, I want to say I am not trying to get pity or have anyone feel sorry for me. Boy, I am thankful and have many blessings! But this entry is simply therapy for myself and perhaps can help others who are going through break-ups or feel that they are not good enough…
I began dating a guy, won’t say his name, last summer of 2011.
I also began getting ants in my bathtub… will let you know later in the story why the ants make sense.
From when the guy and I met, I really liked this one. We began to date. We were always dating and he never became my boyfriend. He wanted to just keep it fun and not make things too serious. I agreed, even though my heart wanted more. Oh many times I cried to myself thinking I was not worth being with. Many SMART people would have said from that point “STOP DATING!” But, I pushed aside myself for the sake of having him. So, I blame this on me.
Anyway, a year goes by. It’s still the same, but of course with many memories included. Went to Disneyland many times, karaoke, dancing dates, drove to his family’s house 2011 Thanksgiving weekend, he went to my families Fourth of July party… many fun times.
By Fall of 2011, I began performing a lot on the road. Clubs and colleges around the U.S. (WHICH IS WONDERFUL! I DON’T FORGET!) But it was overwhelming for me to bomb so many times on stage, being scared on every airplane, and going from hotel to hotel alone.
Spring of 2011, I had even more shows to do around the country. Literally, every other week I was gone. I soon was constantly depressed. On top of my other road fears, I had more anxiety from missing him. I had the constant worry of “WHAT IF HE MEETS SOMEONE ELSE WHILE I AM GONE? WE AREN’T TOGETHER. IT CAN HAPPEN. I HOPE HE DOESN’T…” I would get back in town and things were fine and went back to normal. We go out on fun dates again. We have fun. I go back on the road and that anxiety keeps on coming back.
Inside, I always had hope and I always thought someday he will see and want to be with me. March 2012, he ends it and I’m heartbroken. April comes around and we wind up back to dating. July 2012, we both agree to end it. August comes around and we get back on track.
Ever since we got back to dating in August, I began to feel angry. Angry at myself and at him. I would feel I am not worth being with because of being close to him and seeing him often and it supposed to not mean all that much as what my heart wanted. I wanted him to be mine. No one can ever get what they want.
Today. I say it’s time. Hadn’t heard from him for a few weeks and my heart was telling me, no more. I fell in love with him and never once said it. I told myself it’s just for fun. Spending a lot of time with someone for a over a year obviously can make the heart and soul feel many feelings.
I realized today that I rely quite a bit of my happiness to generate from him. I really should never had but, I got used to it. I pushed aside my heart and said shut up for a long time. I finally came to my senses and let my heart speak.
I cried at the coffee shop today and hid my face with the book I am currently reading. (The Collector) I got embarrassed to be crying around people so I quickly left. I didn’t mean for the tears to pop up so fast! hah. Once I got home to my safe apartment I let it out.
I quickly had to stop being a baby and get to my rehearsal for my upcoming show on Monday. I saw my good friends in my show, Margot and Anthony. They could tell I was crying. I told them whats up and man does it feel great to have friends. They made me giggle in a second.
I went about my day feeling happier and rehearsing for the show and then went to my music rehearsal for the songs I am going to sing on my show. Then did two stand-up shows and just now got back to my apartment.
The sadness sets in again, as I should let the tears happen! Gotta let it out! Normal.
I decide that I believe it would feel good to let him know that I loved him for quite some time, but obviously it was such a dangerous position for me to be in.
It felt better to get it off my chest. Now there is absolutely nothing else I want or need to say. I have to do this to take care of myself.
I set the bath to fill up hot water. I get in crying. I cry a bit overboard hahah. I then began to feel incredibly alone.
Then all of a sudden my cat Ella says, “MEOW?” with a question in her voice.
It made me smile. I forgot that she lives with me at that moment. I forgot that I have a wonderful roommate! I said, “ELLA! Oh thank you for being here for me.” No joke, she answered back with another, “Meow.” She even peeked in the tub and she has never gotten that close to the water before. She sat real close to me. Then as I am smiling at her, I see three ants walking around on the edge of the bathtub. Suddenly, I had company. I had three little ants and Ella near me and I let out a little giggle. I stopped crying. I got out, wrapped myself with the towel (pretended I was a burrito for a second) and then put on my Christmas pajamas.
And here I am on the computer typing :)
I just wanted to share that with you! It just always feels great to get things off my chest. I feel better and time can only heal things. So many wonderful projects to look forward to and of course… CHRISTMAS!!!!!! AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND COMEDY!
So lesson is..
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.
… (that’s also the title of a really great Journey song!)
It’s very rare for me to find a cozy hotel bed and right now I am in one! The comforter is fluffy! Heavenly bed! My eyes still feel heavy. I am currently in Brooklyn! Going to drive to Maryland today!
Been exercising at hotel work out rooms and I absolutely love when no one else works out because then I put the TV on and watch Looney Tunes. Yesterday unfortunately a lady was watching The Rachel Ray show. I just listened to Eminem on my ipod. One time at the gym the tv was set to a channel that was playing the movie Click with Adam Sandler and I was the only one cracking up while working out. Then this muscle man got mad and said “Gotta change this”. Then he had a problem! You know how muscle man are so buff that they can’t place their arms down and they just look awkward? Yeah well this Arnold couldn’t quite reach the TV. I asked , “Having trouble trying to ‘Click’ the button? Hehehe”. Then he punched me in the face. Do not be mean to muscle men. Sometimes I dislike how gyms have their TV’s set to The Food Network. Uhhh that defeats the purpose on why we are here! Great! Now after my work out I am going to find a chocolate swirl candy soda cake with oreo’s on top!
I find it funny at my gym to see older people wearing fancy clothes while working out. Also, I notice that the swimming pool always has asians swimming and dancing around in the water. It’s so cute! I just picture hearing “hehe hello kitty!” the whole time while they swim.
Recently, I am proud to say I have been accomplishing everything on my calendar everyday. I exercise, write in my journal, write for an hour on Stand-up, read, and do shows almost every night. Once a week I take guitar lessons as well as martial arts.
There are moments I can tell I fill my life up with many things to distract myself to not have a moment to be sad. That being said, lately I have been sad and it comes and goes and I know many people understand. I had to get on medications for it and my doctor knew it was the best thing for me and it is. The road has been giving me nothing but sad, scary thoughts except of course when I am doing my shows. Now I feel back to my old ways of wanting to accomplish all my goals in my God Can and want to take advantage of my time.
Tonight after my show at the Ice House in my favorite city Pasadena (where I plan on moving to soon- a little cottage in the future with flowers, my gnomes, and cats) I stopped by the Barnes and Noble and picked up four books I reserved online earlier today. They are the books you see in the picture. I got happy knowing that each of them have a strong main color and that is yellow. Yellow means happiness to me. My bed comforter is also yellow so I took the picture of the yellow books on my yellow bed.