First of all, I want to say I am not trying to get pity or have anyone feel sorry for me. Boy, I am thankful and have many blessings! But this entry is simply therapy for myself and perhaps can help others who are going through break-ups or feel that they are not good enough…
I began dating a guy, won’t say his name, last summer of 2011.
I also began getting ants in my bathtub… will let you know later in the story why the ants make sense.
From when the guy and I met, I really liked this one. We began to date. We were always dating and he never became my boyfriend. He wanted to just keep it fun and not make things too serious. I agreed, even though my heart wanted more. Oh many times I cried to myself thinking I was not worth being with. Many SMART people would have said from that point “STOP DATING!” But, I pushed aside myself for the sake of having him. So, I blame this on me.
Anyway, a year goes by. It’s still the same, but of course with many memories included. Went to Disneyland many times, karaoke, dancing dates, drove to his family’s house 2011 Thanksgiving weekend, he went to my families Fourth of July party… many fun times.
By Fall of 2011, I began performing a lot on the road. Clubs and colleges around the U.S. (WHICH IS WONDERFUL! I DON’T FORGET!) But it was overwhelming for me to bomb so many times on stage, being scared on every airplane, and going from hotel to hotel alone.
Spring of 2011, I had even more shows to do around the country. Literally, every other week I was gone. I soon was constantly depressed. On top of my other road fears, I had more anxiety from missing him. I had the constant worry of “WHAT IF HE MEETS SOMEONE ELSE WHILE I AM GONE? WE AREN’T TOGETHER. IT CAN HAPPEN. I HOPE HE DOESN’T…” I would get back in town and things were fine and went back to normal. We go out on fun dates again. We have fun. I go back on the road and that anxiety keeps on coming back.
Inside, I always had hope and I always thought someday he will see and want to be with me. March 2012, he ends it and I’m heartbroken. April comes around and we wind up back to dating. July 2012, we both agree to end it. August comes around and we get back on track.
Ever since we got back to dating in August, I began to feel angry. Angry at myself and at him. I would feel I am not worth being with because of being close to him and seeing him often and it supposed to not mean all that much as what my heart wanted. I wanted him to be mine. No one can ever get what they want.
Today. I say it’s time. Hadn’t heard from him for a few weeks and my heart was telling me, no more. I fell in love with him and never once said it. I told myself it’s just for fun. Spending a lot of time with someone for a over a year obviously can make the heart and soul feel many feelings.
I realized today that I rely quite a bit of my happiness to generate from him. I really should never had but, I got used to it. I pushed aside my heart and said shut up for a long time. I finally came to my senses and let my heart speak.
I cried at the coffee shop today and hid my face with the book I am currently reading. (The Collector) I got embarrassed to be crying around people so I quickly left. I didn’t mean for the tears to pop up so fast! hah. Once I got home to my safe apartment I let it out.
I quickly had to stop being a baby and get to my rehearsal for my upcoming show on Monday. I saw my good friends in my show, Margot and Anthony. They could tell I was crying. I told them whats up and man does it feel great to have friends. They made me giggle in a second.
I went about my day feeling happier and rehearsing for the show and then went to my music rehearsal for the songs I am going to sing on my show. Then did two stand-up shows and just now got back to my apartment.
The sadness sets in again, as I should let the tears happen! Gotta let it out! Normal.
I decide that I believe it would feel good to let him know that I loved him for quite some time, but obviously it was such a dangerous position for me to be in.
It felt better to get it off my chest. Now there is absolutely nothing else I want or need to say. I have to do this to take care of myself.
I set the bath to fill up hot water. I get in crying. I cry a bit overboard hahah. I then began to feel incredibly alone.
Then all of a sudden my cat Ella says, “MEOW?” with a question in her voice.
It made me smile. I forgot that she lives with me at that moment. I forgot that I have a wonderful roommate! I said, “ELLA! Oh thank you for being here for me.” No joke, she answered back with another, “Meow.” She even peeked in the tub and she has never gotten that close to the water before. She sat real close to me. Then as I am smiling at her, I see three ants walking around on the edge of the bathtub. Suddenly, I had company. I had three little ants and Ella near me and I let out a little giggle. I stopped crying. I got out, wrapped myself with the towel (pretended I was a burrito for a second) and then put on my Christmas pajamas.
And here I am on the computer typing :)
I just wanted to share that with you! It just always feels great to get things off my chest. I feel better and time can only heal things. So many wonderful projects to look forward to and of course… CHRISTMAS!!!!!! AND FAMILY AND FRIENDS AND COMEDY!
So lesson is..
BE GOOD TO YOURSELF.
… (that’s also the title of a really great Journey song!)